Glitter (2001)
Grade:F
Let’s just get this out of the way first:
All that glitters really isn’t gold.
Here’s the thing, and I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before – I have this perverse need to seek out classically awful films to see if they really are as terrible as they have been rumored to be. Havoc was a good example of a film that really surprised me, and even Aeon Flux had some redeeming qualities. I Know Who Killed Me really was as terrible as everyone had said, and so is Glitter.
And I don’t want to kick Mariah Carey when she’s down, so maybe seeing this film after her career resurged and in the midst of her having one of the more successful albums of the year can only be a productive thing. Because when you see the movie now, you don’t see the personal breakdown and crazy streak she went on around the time of this film’s release. Instead, you can objectively notice that while she isn’t noticeably terrible in the film, the project as a whole is simply ill-conceived from the very beginning.
From a simply basic level, this film would have been a disaster, regardless of the camp value of Mariah Carey making her film debut. There is such an obvious attempt in the editing to make the film more high-energy with a bunch of whoosh shots, some laughably-pointless slow motion, and lovely cutaway shots to glitter to make the damn title make sense. Pointlessly setting the movie in the eighties also provides for hilariously-awful outfits for the cast, only adding to the fun.
But beyond this, there isn’t much fun to be had. The film’s cardinal sin is that it is deadly boring. So very boring. Rather than giving Carey a vehicle where she can sing a bunch, this film decides to give her maybe two songs in the film and instead focus on a love story behind an aspiring singer Billie Frank (Carey) and her producer/lover DJ Dice (Max Beesley). Guys, it has got to be the least interesting love story I’ve seen on film in a long long time. Seriously. There are absolutely no stakes in the film, and as a result, the film is a whole mess of I-don’t-care.
Also, for ostensibly being a film about a singer’s rise to stardom, and for having Mariah Carey as a producer and actress on the film, the trail from rags to riches is absolutely trite and so far from genuine. You’d think Carey would know a thing or two about how the music industry works, but the film has absolutely no sense of authenticity. Everything with her career is mentioned indirectly, and for most of the film, she doesn’t even release a damned album, yet manages to sell out Madison Square Garden in the span of a few months on the charts? Right.
Glitter is, essentially, a film that isn’t even so bad it’s good. It’s just so bad. No offense to Mariah, but girlfriend needs to get a musical or something where she’s a supporting player but gets a song or two. She might have been good as one of the many women in the upcoming adaptation of Nine, actually. Just something where she isn’t relied upon for her acting ability so much, because she has to carry this film and has to do so with very little material. Based on Glitter, she’s at least not a terrible actress in the slightest. Not great, but not the worst thing about Glitter at all. The decision to develop this project was a misfire, though. Not one scene in the film feels real or authentic, and as a result, the film makes little case for its audience to take it seriously.
Alas, we don’t.
Bottom Line:
Yup, it’s as bad as you heard, though Mariah Carey is far from the worst offender. The film is simply boring. So very boring. And Mariah sings like… two songs total. What the hell?
© 2004-2009 Ben Waldorf. Posted November 01, 2008. IMDB